So, I was channel surfing today and happened upon the movie "Troy" with Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt. I'm like, "Oh, I've read the Iliad, I've studied Troy, I'll watch this." About fifteen minutes in I was sitting on the couch with my mouth open thinking "WTF is this bullshit?!?!" Seriously, did they even ATTEMPT to read the Iliad? I mean, a movie based off of the Wikipedia article about Troy would be more accurate. Jesus Christ on a cracker, this movie goes WAY beyond the claim of "artistic license," FAR TOO BEYOND.

Here are a few things that really bugged me:

1) Achilles is too nice. They're like "Oh, he's just a tough, slightly emo teddy bear!" I say NO! NO, HOLLYWOOD! ACHILLES WAS AN ASSHOLE. A BIG, DUMB, BRUTISH ASSHOLE! He was not friends with Briseis, he RAPED her. RAPED! That is why Apollo got pissy and sent a plague in the Iliad that killed like, half the army.

2) Achilles did not refuse to fight because Menelaus treated Briseis badly, he was pissed off that Menelaus took her away after he raped her because Apollo was angry. I CAN'T REITERATE THIS ENOUGH! THERE WAS NO LOVEY-DOVEY CRAP GOING ON WITH ACHILLES, HE RAPED HIS WOMEN! Also he was married and had a young son. And he raped his wife too. HE WAS A GIANT DOUCHE!

3) Helen comes to her big revelation about how what she's done has started this war AFTER Paris and Menelaus have their duel, not before.

4) Hector does not save Paris. Aphrodite does. Hector gets super mad at Paris because he doesn't die honorably in the duel.

5) Achilles was not buff enough. Yes, Brad Pitt without a shirt was a very nice touch, but he needs to be more macho. Because he's a MUSCULAR ASSHOLE.

6) Priam does not have a throne on top of the battlements. I know this is for dramatic effect, but really having a throne on top of your walls is kind of silly.

7) Hector is also not buff enough. In fact, he's kind of a toothpick. This is not the right physique for a champion of Troy. Also, he never takes his shirt off, therefore he is not slightly forgiven as Achilles is.

8) Achilles was not good friends with any of the Greek captains. They didn't like him because he was an asshole.

9) Menelaus is too old and/or Hector and co are too young. Menelaus and Hector are the same age. Either Menelaus needs to become sexier, or Hector needs to become a fat old man.

10) Hector, Paris, Menelaus, and Agamemnon talked with each other WAY too much. In the real Iliad, they had virtually no conversations, let alone witty banter.

Those are only a few things that made me go "WTF??" All in all, I have to say that if you are ever required to read the Iliad and think that you'll just watch "Troy" instead, don't. You will fail the class and die a little inside from the inaccuracies.